Improving Communication with your Spouse

Below are some simple small steps you can take to make improvements in your communication with your spouse. Communication is key to the success of your marriage and a strong long lasting relationship.

Agree to Disagree

It is normal to have these ill feelings after an argument or disagreement with each other but what is not normal is to keep harboring these feelings.  What you should do is when you are calm and relaxed think of all the good things that your spouse has done for you and all of the positive traits your spouse possesses. Just by doing this simple step you will be surprised how quickly your ill feelings dwindle away.

I can read your Mind

This is one of the biggest problems within a marriage. Couples are under the false presumption that their partners know what their wants and needs are by default. They assume what is liked by each other without ever discussing these matters until something really goes wrong and sometimes the damage is already done. What is essential in communicating with your spouse is to have clear lines of communication about every aspect or incident in your life. There is no topics you leave off the table with this; talk about needs (physical, psychological, emotional and personal) and whatever else is important in your life. Remember in communication you have to listen and speak, so do both not just one of them. In some cases you may have to compromise but overall your communication will become very trusted and honest with each other and your marriage will prosper.

Let it Out

Some people are afraid to express their anger as they feel that it will cause further problems and they just stay silent. This just keeps on building like a pressure cooker and they will someday explode with dire consequences. This is not healthy and causes many problems for not only yourself but your marriage overall. What you need to do is learn a way to express your anger respectfully without personal attacks on your spouse. Be truthful in your expression and communicate until your spouse understands why you are angry. Also discuss the solution to the problem. If you never say anything then how will it get resolved?

Husband and Wife both want to be Understood

Contrary to popular belief men have feelings too and they too want to be understood in the relationship. Your man may be shy so maybe you have to initiate the conversations and vice versa if your wife is shy in bringing up matters. It is important to find out more and more about each other throughout your lives as this makes your partner feel that you are still interested in them as you were when you first married them. This increases the love between the two of you and also helps you understand them better as the two of you age together.

KooKoo Time

This is one important factor that keeps coming up whenever there are disputes amongst spouses. We call it KooKoo time because this is when rationality is out the window and the person is just using their irrational side of the brain. Research has shown that when a person is stressed their rational part of the brain shuts down and their irrational part takes over. So instead of looking for any solutions they are just ranting and raving their anger on each other. Don’t try to resolve issues during this time. Instead just wait for rationality to come back with calm nerves and then resolve the matter in a calm collected manner. Also the key here is that one partner should realize when one of them is going through some stress and back off accordingly when they are ranting and raving instead of behaving irrationally themselves.

STOP!!!

When the two of you are talking and you become uncomfortable or agitated to the point that you are going to lose it then just take break for an hour to calm down and then resume when your nerves are cooler with a different approach or method in resolving the matter. Practice the hadeeth about when you become angry and what to do from our Prophet SAW.  Many times in circumstances like this a rational conversation towards solving an issue turns into a major fight, to avoid this from happening employing this technique has helped many couples.

Who won?

Whenever you fight don’t do it for the sake of winning. This is not a competition that whoever wins is supreme. The reality is that if you are right then don’t remind your spouse that you were right and don’t belittle them. This will create an unhealthy atmosphere in your marriage and between yourselves. Instead think collectively now since you are married as a couple, every disagreement is to resolve the matters together and not individually. Therefore it is important that you understand if you keep doing this winning mentality then eventually both of you are going to lose when you marriage falls apart due to it.

Point of View

Remember that everyone has a different point of view and you must respect each other for it. Every person has a different point of reference, different perspectives and different thoughts about the same situation. This is therefore crucial that you respect each others points of view and try to understand them.

Not just words

Communication is more than just words its also your voice, your tone, your actions and body language. When you are listening or speaking; do so appropriately with the above mentioned portions of communication.

Expectations

If you expect a fight you will have a fight and if you expect a solution then you will get a solution. It’s a simple equation, so when going into any issue go with the proper attitude and expectations to come out with the desired results.

Muslim Harmony – Advice Central Team