Love vs. Compatibility
Love vs. Compatibility: Which one do you need more of to say “I do”
Can you fall in love with someone simple by gazing into their eyes for a few minutes?
Apparently the answer is yes! According to various studies done by scientists, the mere act of having two strangers of the opposite gender gaze into each other’s eyes brought about intense feelings of passion, attraction, and even the feeling of falling in love.
So much for the grand mystery! I’m not saying that falling in love is not a lovely feeling, but is that what we really need to feel and look for in order to know we are going to marry the right person?
Many single Muslims looking to get married are waiting and waiting and waiting to be struck down with intense emotional feelings of certainty regarding their choice of spouse. On the other side, are many single Muslims who have been struck down with such feelings, are getting married, and soon heading to a divorce.
Why, you may ask?
Marriage is not built on the feelings of being in love, but rather on the actions of being loving. They can be two totally different worlds. For example, a sister emails me telling me that she is “in love” with a man she has been talking to for two years in secret, and she wants to get married to him, but he keeps telling her it’s not time yet, and asks her to wait another five years for him to go through school. They may be “in love” but neither of them are living by actions that are loving (without going into a fiqh discussion of halal and haram either.) You don’t have to be experienced to take a guess how that scenario is going to end.
So where does compatibility come into the picture here?
Personally, I recommend that both men and women give themselves a chance to get to know a potential spouse to see if there is any click in personality. We’ve all gone to a social event before, and met someone new, and usually by the end of the evening, you can already tell if you “click” with their personality or not, right? So if that’s true with friends, why not give that same opportunity with a potential spouse? (all while staying within Islamic guidelines)
In our training programs, we go into more detail on defining compatibility, but in short, a simple way is that your personalities feel complimentary, conversation becomes easy as time passes in getting to know them, and you have similar values and life goals.
If you find a great person, begin to enjoy their conversation, and your values and goals are similar, then it sounds like you are heading in the right direction! As for needing to fall in love, apparently all you’ll need to do then, is gaze into each other’s eyes for a few quiet minutes, and allow yourself to feel fully vulnerable and alive in their presence.
Sounds like a nice exercise once you are married!
If you think I’m joking, then please know I’m perfectly serious. Once you do get married, you will need to continue learning how to maintain a spark between you and your spouse, and this is one very powerful way. Marriage retreats and seminars that cost thousands of dollars to attend utilize exercises like these to help couples rekindle their love and passion for each other. Take note, then, this is a lifelong useful skill!
SubhanAllah, it’s no wonder there is more than one reason to lower the gaze when speaking with the opposite gender. We all know how powerful a penetrating gaze can be, so isn’t it lovely to know that that power will always be available to use in it’s proper place, which is in your marriage.
Sister Megan Waytt – trainer for Practimate
Asalam-o-alaikum, mashaALLAH really nice n informative post. JazakILLAHU khairan
this is a very interesting point of view and again we need to be mindful of how powerful a gaze can be,so keep it lowered
Most of us (women included) already hav/exhibit d skillz as mentioned. D problem is that nowadays, we all seem to have so much choice due to d fakt that evrythn is covered wit d proverbial ‘bling’. This leads to uncertainty about d current choices we make. Just like a kid wiv so many toys, most times, they dont know wat to play with and generaly hav a short atention span towards any toy they play with. Thanx 4 d article. Its very true that d two points b there(love an compatibility). We must try to b content wiv choices we make and remember that humans r not toys/robots (that r void of emotions) to b playd with an discarded just bcos there r other toys to play with. I pray that Allah subhana wa ta’ala grants us patience, clarity and understandin. Luv u all my muslim brothers an sisters.
Subhanallah! I think you have got it spot on.
My husband fell in love with me just by looking
Into my eyes across the table in a restaurant.
(we were engaged at that point having being introduced
to each other by my cousin)
I fell in love with him within a few days after getting
married. Mashallah we have been married for 15years and
Going strong by the grace of allah.
So brothers and sisters you really dont have to wait for
The magic to happen BEFORE you get married. Just find a
Suitable believer who has good moral values and go for it!
In chiosing your partner you should look for a PIOUS person.
Subhanellah to me when I looked at a women and my heart beats alot like I was I’m a Marathon that’s a good sign.
thanks for great information….. may Allah guide all of us ameen
as salaamu alaikum. where i live, there is no understanding or compassion for those who are less endowed. we have no system for getting to know a potential spouse that isnt criticized/judged as being haram, thus many failed marriages. how do we get to know a potential spouse within islamic guidelines when we dont even know each other as a community because we cant socialize or mix between men and women?
Depends both but generally if ur compatible then u like which then may grow into love which results in I Do, even in arranged situation compatibility is best start.
AlhamduLiLLAH! nice article!
Absolutely correct.. The moment I met him I knew he is the one I prayed so hard.. I thank Allah for making come true and giving me a blessing and responsible husband.. When he looked into my eyes we felt the same way from the first time.. Lately then, we don’t know that we’re praying to Allah the same thing is “to meet again in the campus”.. Allah grant my wish and gave me sign subhanaAllah.. This is the miracle that I’ve been waiting for so long to witness..
I don’t know if i quite agree with that you can fall in love just by gazing at the eyes of opposite gender. Maybe some scientists might prove it but certainly it cannot be for all of us. If that was the case, we could just fall in love everyday with anyone in the street when we accidently meet our eyes with the opposite gender? Of course that is not really true. You can’t just fall in love with anyone, it has to be from His Mercy that you are able to fall in love with that specific person. In fact, why is it so hard for people to get married these days and why are all the divorce rate going up? Just like not every piece of the jigsaw puzzle fit into the piece, not every person fits into your heart. Allah knows best.