Arranged Marriage
We just can’t get rid of this cliché as a community. It still haunts us in the 20th century even though Islam has been protecting the rights of both women and men regarding this issue since the time of the Prophet SAW. Nowadays we still have this issue and people are still forced into marriage (not physically anymore but severe pressure is put on them emotionally to accept others’ wishes). To understand the issue we must observe the different types and forms it currently exists in our community.
Agreed upon: It’s an arranged marriage with consent from both the woman and man, willingly with consent. Still happens today and there is absolutely nothing wrong with it.
Pressured: This is the most common kind nowadays when people are pressured into the marriage by either belittling them or saying statements like “You don’t know what best for you” and “We would never do something to harm you. We want the best for you” and on and on. This tactic is very common and you must know your rights in fighting this battle. Never bow down to pressure from your parents or anyone else because this is one of the biggest decisions of your own life. This is the first step in moving towards your own family and you have full Islamic rights to exercise your full judgment about this issue. You have the right to say “No!” for any reason that you choose and you don’t even have to disclose why you are saying “No!”. Like the old saying goes “No means No!”.
On the other side of the coin it is permissible for others to give advice if you ask them and as parents they will give you advice and consult with you. So anyone who is consulting please give your advice but make it clear that the final decision is given to the person getting married or proposed to because they need to feel empowered by you so that they can feel content with their decision. Also never make them feel bad for saying no to previous proposals in case their future proposals are not as good in your opinion. Take them on a case by case basis and you have no knowledge of what the future holds and what Allah has planned for all of us.
Forced: In this case they are forced to accept by either emotional abuse or physical abuse. This may be a surprise to many of you but it’s still happening today and not just to women but men as well. People are abused emotionally or physically by statements like “We will disown you” or “That our family will laugh at us” or “We have given our word” and so on. Well they have no right to make this decision. Islam has given rights to each individual in each circumstance and if they commit this oppression then they are for sure oppressing you from the rights that Allah has granted to you. Let them know this is your right given to you by Allah the All Mighty and you will hold them accountable for this on the day of Judgment. And even then if they don’t listen you must seek help from someone within your family or friends or within your community to get yourself out of the situation. Also going to a scholar, imam or sheikh is a good idea and if they are fearful of Allah they will feel obliged to help you in this situation. But I will reiterate that at the end of the day, it’s your life and its one of the biggest decisions of your life so don’t let anyone else make it for your without your consent.
I pray to Allah that he guide us all and help all those who are going through difficulty. Also as a community don’t even shun a person away if they ask you for help. Give them all the resources you have available to you in terms of contacts or anything else you can help them with. We are the support for each other and we must try our best to help each other.
My mum and dad always say to me it is better to marry in the family, which makes me feel slightly preassured. Also my mum has said to me that there is no chance of me marrying someone who is not Asian, even though they are muslim.
Jazakallahu khairun for the article!
hi, my marriage is a love marriage with which my p.aresnts were not happy bt i did. Later they tried to b fine bt none of my family member forgaveme. No relations at allll. Plz tell sumthing in islamic point of view abt love marriage and both parties role.
May Allah make it easy for us so that we can marry the person we want, not the person who our parents want. Of course, parents are there to guide us, but in the end, we are going to live the life, not them. As a result, we should pick a partner who we think would be best for us. After all, we are one’s getting married, not the parents. May Allah soften the hearts of our parents. May Allah make it easy for all of us! Ameen =)
asalaam walikum
I think parents want whats best for us but they should think about the time they were getting married and how they felt. Alhumudlilah my parents are very open minded and say as long as the guy is good and if i like him it all good. I think it hard fr parents to break or rebel certain traditions and cultural attitudes that were built into them. May Allah(swt) guide our parents and their children to make a balenced descision together.
First of all I want to bring this Hadith to attention: The Prophet (pbuh) said: “We do not think that there is anything better for those who love one another than marriage.” (Narrated by Ibn Maajah, 1847; classed as saheeh by al-Busayri and by Shaykh al-Albaani in al-Silsilah al-Saheehah, 624) The child needs to respect the parents but ALSO, the PARENT needs to understand what their child wants. It has to work both ways. The truth is that Most of the time it is the parents who make marriage difficult and also the society b/c they are ignorant of the true teachings of Islam regarding marriage. They need to understand that the person we are going to spend the rest of our life with is going to be the child not the parents. Obviously the parents are not getting married to that ‘someone’. So as long as the person the child likes is a good practicing Muslim, has good character, parents should be accepting. There is no reason for them not to. There were no problems btw the parent and the child during the time of our prophets. If a man proposed to their daughters, the prophets asked their daughters THEY agreed. It is sad that today in our society, CULTURE overrides religion. The religion says that you can marry the person you like/love but the people in the society try to make what is right seem wrong. “And among His Signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that ye may dwell in tranquillity with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts); verily in that are Signs for those who reflect.” ( surah al-Room, vrs 21). In this verse, Allah says that He has given love between the hearts of men and women, so falling in love is not HARAM. However, people in the society try to make it seem that it is a “bad” thing. If the Quran proves that falling in love is not a “bad” thing, then who on earth would try to deny it? Obviously, the people who are ignorant, the people who always try to reject the His signs. However, parents should accepting if they truly understand the Quran and the Sunnah of our beloved Prophet Muhammad( pbuh). May Allah guide our parents to understand their children better insha’allah.
Brother Yaqub. I agree with you brother. Very true on what you said. May Allah guide the parents so they can be more understanding towards their children. Ameen.
Alhamdulliah what a true and great article. I think every parents should read this. Very beautiful whoever wrote this. So true, especially in our generation. We should follow the Sunnah and Quran. May Allah help us. Ameen. Shukran.
MASHAA ALLAH THIS ARTICLE IS AMAZING!! I M GOING THROUGH FROM THE SAME PHASE.THE BOY I LIKE ,HIS PARENTS ARE NOT ALLOWING FOR LOVE MARRIAGE,EVEN THEY ARE FORCING HIM TO GET MARRIED TO SOME OTHER GIRL!! HE IS TRYING HIS BEST,BUT WHAT ELSE HE CAN DO BECAUSE AT THE SAME TIME HE CANNOT HURT HIS PARENTS!!
I M PRAYING REALLY HARD!! PLEASE PRAY FOR US THAT ALLAH,SOFTEN HIS PARENTS HEART!! WHAT ELSE WE CAN DOO!! THEY R NOT LISTENING TO HIM
assalamu alaikum
can someone advice me please. I cannot put my question up here so if any1 is interested in helping couldi have ur email address please
Jazakallah
Assalamualakauim,
InshAllah you are well sister Sumayya. What sort of help are you looking for? You can email us on advice@muslimharmony.com