Almost Married? Nikah Kitabah 101
What is a Nikah Kitabah?
A common trend in the practicing communities has become the idea of “Celibate marriage” or “Katb al kitab” where a brother and sister have their nikah done and have an extended period where are not cohabiting. This is increasing in popularity because young muslims are choosing to protect themselves from the fitan of living in the west by achieving halal companionship, even though their financial or practical conditions allow them to not be able to live together immediately. This period can be tough for all those involved, but it protects the couple from sinning by communicating or mingling freely during their engagement periods. In addition, they are also presenting it as a Sunnah of the Prophet (SAW) who married Aisha (RAA) and co-cohabited with her a few years later.As someone who has considerable experience with this (over a year and counting since my Nikah kitabah), I have some valuable insight in the matter that will prove useful for those going through it or planning to do it in the near future.
Patience: It is a true test of your patience, especially since those around you have alternate views of what your relationship with your spouse entails, and keep badgering you about it. I found that having solid views of the legality of physical contact with your spouse prior to starting the relationship helps in this regard. Not only that, but it allows for you to be on the same page when it comes to these matters. Below you will find the opinions of two contemporary scholars on this issue, and they should help you establish an Islamically correct opinion on the permissibility of intimacy between the spouses who have only had their nikah done:
Shaykh ‘Abd al-‘Azeez ibn Baaz (may Allaah have mercy on him) was asked: What is it permissible for a man to do with his wife after the marriage contract had been done and before consummation of the marriage?
He replied:
It is permissible for him to do what men do with their wives, but he should be patient until the time agreed for consummation of the marriage. If he needs to visit her or get in touch with her, with her family’s permission, for a clear reason, there is nothing wrong with that. If he meets her and is alone with her with her family’s permission, there is nothing wrong with that. But if it is done secretly without anyone knowing, that is dangerous, because she may get pregnant from him, then he may think badly of her or deny that he was intimate with her, so there may be a lot of fitnah and trouble.
What he should do is refrain and be patient until the time agreed for consummation of the marriage. If there is a need to contact her or meet with her, that should be with her father or her mother or brother, so that nothing can happen that may have negative consequences. End quote.
Fataawa al-Shaykh Ibn Baaz (21/208, 209).
Shaykh Muhammad ibn Saalih al-‘Uthaymeen (may Allaah have mercy on him) said:
If a man does the marriage contract with a woman, then he is her husband and he may speak to her on the phone and send letters to her. There is nothing wrong with him being in touch with her, but without intercourse, because she is his wife. If he calls her and enjoys sitting with her and kissing her, there is nothing wrong with that, but intercourse should not take place, because there is danger involved in intercourse and it may lead to him thinking badly of her, or she may get pregnant from this intercourse and give birth before the set time for consummation, so the woman may be accused of misconduct. End quote.
Liqaa’aat al-baab il-Maftooh (175/question no. 12).
Once the boundaries are established, it will allow you to build a strong healthy relationship that will flourish once the marriage is completed. It will truly allow you to build a friendship with your spouse based on a mutual understanding of the patience required as well as the longing for the continual companionship with your spouse.
Below are a few helpful tips that will help you take maximal advantage of this time, and help make it the best time of your life:
Understand the limitations of the relationship:
You might be separated by long distances and other commitments: learn to compromise. Make communications clear and develop effective forms of communication, to combat any misunderstandings that might develop as a result of these limitation. Also be cognizant of your spouse’s responsibilities and understand that they might not be able to commit their time to you like they would have if you cohabited. Always believe they wish they could talk to you or see you more, and never accuse them of the opposite. There may be things on the other end you just cannot see to understand why they are so busy (i.e. actual fatigue, stress with school or career, family responsibilities, etc). Understanding that your spouse can be busy will help during times when communication and visits are hard to get going.
Strengthen your relationship with both families:
Use this time to make your ties stronger with your own family and the family of your spouse because these ties will prove extremely valuable in the long run. Do small things for your parents that show your appreciation to them, and do the same to your in-laws, as this equality will help you establish both of them as your parents, and thus will allow you to respect and care for them as such. Of course it may be difficult to remember your in-laws when all you can think about is the wonderful new person in your life, but don’t forget the people that helped culture them in the first place. Make time to speak to in-laws on the phone, and remind your spouse to do likewise. This can only help the longevity of your relationship.
Do things together (if possible):
Attend religious seminars, take cooking classes, attend marriage workshops and anything else that will help you interact and cooperate with each other and learn how the other functions. Not only that, but this will also give you the alone time that is often coveted by couples.
In the end, the best advice I can give you is to realize that “This is real!” so be yourself, don’t play games, and put work into it as you would into a marriage. The only thing this period allows you to do is to slow down the pace and help build a relationship that might even be stronger than your “traditional marriage” counterparts.
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Subhana’Allah! I wish I had come across this article way before! May Allah (swt) guide us Ameen! 🙁
Salam i am a converted muslim i would like to know how and were i stand in my marriage my husband is not a very strong muslim but we are try please advice me how to better my marriage.
Thank you for this article! it cleared up many misconceptions for me. I know many people who have done this but I never understood why. I only have one question though, why would a man think badly of his wife if they consummate the marriage before the agreed upon time? After all it is his wife and it is not haraam for them to be intimate.
Salams… Jazakummullah Khairan.. I loved this article! Insha’Allah i will make sure i adhere to most of its principals and also make sure that i use this as a guide in order to maintain an effective relationship with my spouse… Wasalam!
I love this site and this article.I think it will help me alot in my marriaga.I will also tell my friends about this site.
assalamualikum
nice post jazakallah khair 4 ur works i before also asked u a question bt did not get my reply yet can u plz tell tht if a man and a girl have done nikah secertly without telling their parents n even consumated their marriage bcs of the fear of shetan fitna btwn them i have heard tht if the girls parents are not aware of her marriage then the nikah is considered void in islam is it true and in that case what should they do
Jazakum lahu ahiran. this is a great work may allah increase your knowledge. i gained alot from the article. what can u do to ur wife doing wrong and not ready to take correction nor even want to listen to what u say.
Definitely cleared up some of the misunderstandings I had but I also question why a husband would take the matter badly I could see others taking it badly but not the husband.
I think its preposterous to not be intimate after having done Nikah , what the purpose of the Nikah then ? After Nikah , the woman is halal for the man and , the man is halal for the woman. If you want to be be celibate then why even bother with the Nikah.
Jazakallah for this post, it’s wonderful to know these things, but I agree with sister Tasneem in her opinion.
As the opinions of both Shaiks clearly state that, if the spouses get intimate and the woman gets pregnant the man thinks badly of her, can accuse her of misconduct and/or the man denies being intimate with his wife.
Sister Tasneem Says:
“…After all it is his wife and it is not haraam for them to be intimate.”
I have the same opinion as sister Tasneem. In these instances, the spouses commit halal acts together, that, are contrary only to their own commitments and that, both are jointly responsible for their actions and consequences. The wife cannot be held accountable alone. My opinion is that when the man holds the wife responsible for such acts is unfair.
These perceptions have to be cleared up.
for ex; one or both spouses are still pursuing their education and decide to no cohabit till they complete their education. They decide not to consummate their marriage, as they postpone starting a family. If they do have an intimate relationship, they are jointly responsible for starting a family.
@ sister unknown:
Yes it is not permissible for a women to get married without a mehram and the strongest mehram is the girls father.
a good advice for youth,instead of engagement they should get nikah and finish their studies,and then get married,rukhsati,in this way they will be in contact of each other and save themselves from haraam relation with different boys or girls,,and if they consumate it befor it ,even then there will be no harm,,.
assalam alaikum,
Be mindful that both shaikhs quoted they are talking about Arabia. The Sunnah actually to consummate first then have the Waleemah after that. As the case with the Prophet (SAW) with Soudah (RA) and also the story of Abdulrahman ibn Awf (RA).
There is a good booklet by sh. Al-albani about authentic hadiths related to marriage, here is the link
http://abdurrahman.org/women/etoquetteofmarriagewedding.html
PDF version http://abdurrahman.org/character/etiquetteofmarriage.pdf
Assalamu’alaikum all,
I know everyone is questioning why a husband and wife are not allowed to consummate after their nikah. It comes down to the conditions (shuroot) of the nikah contract. If it is stipulated in the contract, that the husband and wife will not co-habit, but will consummate and both parties (families) are made aware of this, then it is permissible. The sunnah requires i’lan (ma’roof) that the marriage be made public, so that everyone knows that the two are married. The shuyookh above advise against it because of the negative ramifications of it. Because, in most cases, these activities are done in secret without the consent of the father of the wife, then it becomes incorrect as it breaches the initial contract made between the husband and wife’s father.
I hope this clears this issue up.
As for why bother with the nikah, any contact between the man and woman prior to nikah without the presence of the wali is completely prohibited. Doing the nikah allows the two to get to know each other and talk and build a relationship and friendship together until they get to co-habit.
Is it true that the married couple must consummate in order for their Waleema to be Halal?
Muhammad (pbuh), the final messenger of Allah and the best of creation, was born in Makkah, Arabia, in the year 571 CE. His father, Abdullah, died before his birth and his mother, Aminah, died when he was only six. Later on he was looked after by his uncle Abu Talib. He married Khadijah, a noble lady of Makkah, when he was twenty five. He first received revelation from Allah at the age of forty, marking the beginning of his work as the messenger of Allah. The people of Makkah at that time used to worship idols. The prophet (pbuh) invited them to Islam. Some of them responded favorably and became Muslims, while others rebuked him and turned against him.
I totally agree with Mr. Single. The entire point of Nikah is for a man and a woman to be halal for one another. Islam makes it life easier for us and instead we like to add complicated things. =)
100% agree. And i heard ulima say the same thing.
These people trying to make obsticles and make the nikkah unvalid.
salams,
this is one view on the subject. Using Aisha RA marriage with the prophet SAW but if you look at his later marriages, he did the nikkah/akgid and then within 3days the walima and in those 3 days you need to consumate the marriage. If following the sunnah, unless otherwise agreed. So the majority of the the prophets marriages were conducted this way, nikkah, consummation and then walima to celebrate them being properly married.
Now muslims adopted western culture, that consumation comes after the wedding party, which goes against the sunnah.
I wish i still had the articles and fatwas regadring this issue. But after i got married i discarded them. That once nikkah is conducted then a man and woman can do as they please as they are halal for one another, they are a married couple. but if they consumate the marriage a walima must follow shortly. And this opinion is one which is not difficult and complicated like the ones above.
You are both married, man and wife, no ones buisness what you do. Thats between the wife and husband. No one else. And if they consumate the marriage its halal and they are rewarded. Dislike people trying to shame them or say its haram. They are like any other married couple. Khalas
Salam,and thanks
Sorry but this article is confusing as well as misleading. `After nikah, it is permissible to do WHATEVER including intercourse because they are Islamically married and thus husband and wife. Why will you give limits to marriage outside of the Quran and sunnah? The sayings you provided talk about before marriage, not when you are married. For many, they have the nikkah done to prevent haram and they do the walima much much later in order to save up for it. The Nikkah itself with the agreed dowry IS a consummation of marriage.