My Husband Makes Me Feel Like an Object

Question:

As salaam-aleikum. I am 29 years old, practising muslimah. I married my husband over a year ago. It was an arranged marriage. I saw him once and Alhamdulillah liked him. We spoke for few minutes and I found him quite agreeable. After that, we never spoke. In fact, I saw him only on our wedding night. Initially, I felt that he was really caring, not overtly romantic or anything, but quite sensible. I thanked Allah because He gave me more than I wished for! However, few days into our marriage, my husband started yelling at me. We live in a joint family, and it would really affect me when he’d shout at me in front of his sisters and nieces. He has also slapped me twice and swears a lot. Alhamdulillah, he has stopped yelling at me in front of his family. But he still curses me in private though. Also, we haven’t been able to have an intercourse. I kept quiet for about 8 months but later disclosed it to my mother. My family and his already sensed that things aren’t normal between us. Initially, I assumed he wanted to build a relationship and then get on the sexual part of things. I kept believing him when he said that he was not ready for intercourse as it would pain a lot. I do other things to meet his sexual needs, but he rarely makes any efforts to meet mine. He has deferred intercourse, citing everything from headaches to cold and to the fact that he did not want to perform ghusl next day. I am tired of his excuses and feel he’ll never get around to doing it. He used to order me to do other sexual acts that I am not comfortable with. He has stopped asking for it after I told him that I did not want to do it. I recently confronted him (over texts and mails) that he is not making an effort to build a marriage. I tried to be as polite as possible. He and his family have stopped talking to me for the past one month. I am living with my family since May this year. My folks support me Alhamdulillah. I do not want to end this relationship because he is the first man I have been with and do not want to separate. But his negligence is killing me. He never calls me. Does not look at my face, and rarely answers my questions. Sometimes, I feel like I am some sort of object. I take care of my expenses, do household chores, and try to please him in the night. He defends himself, saying Islam gives men the right to beat disobedient wives. He also says he does not drink or gamble like other men, so I should be thankful. He says I over think things and I have a negative attitude towards life. I have never had any issues making friends or getting along with people. I am not overly friendly, but I do invest in relationships. Anyway, I have contacted a local Islamic marriage counselor for advice. My parents are also willing to go and talk to my husband to see if things can be saved. I need your advice about this situation.

Answer:

In this counseling answer:

“If he does not show that he is interested in you, then there is no point in wasting your life with him. I suggest that you stay at your parents’ place and let him take the step to solve the issues between you two. Wait and see what he does, or is he is even willing to do anything about the problems.”

As-Salaam ‘Aleikom sister,

I am sorry to hear about your situation with your husband. I will try to advise you the best I can, In sha’ Allah.

What you are describing is not a healthy marriage at all. When a man misbehaves by slapping and using bad language towards his wife, he is not a good husband. Not only does he insults you in front of his family, but he also shows them that he can treat you the way he wants. This is not right.

It is his duty to respect you and give you love and support. Our Prophet (saw) said:

”Among the Muslims the most perfect, as regards his faith, is the one whose character is excellent, and the best among you are those who treat their wives well”. (Tirmidhi)

You have been married to this man for a year now, but he is not willing to have intercourse with you. He treats you badly and does not support you financially. I can understand that you feel hopeless at times. It seems like he has a problem or maybe he is just a very selfish person. I am glad that he doesn’t swear at you in front of his family anymore. However, if he cannot control his anger, it can happen again.

It is good that you shared the problem with your parents and that they are understanding. Unfortunately, too many married women in the Asian Muslim cultures keep quiet as they feel ashamed to talk about their intimate issues with other people. I am glad you addressed this problem and didn’t keep quiet for too long. It is harder to talk about it once you have children as you feel you have to stay with the father of the children no matter how he treats you. You feel a mother shouldn’t feel pressurized; she should not feel this way, for the kids’ sake.

You have not started a family with him yet. If he does not show that he is interested in you, then there is no point in wasting your life with him. It will only upset you. However, you should give him a chance and see if he improves himself.

Being with a person who does not value you is not a sign of a healthy marriage at all. He should please you in every way; emotionally, physically, and spiritually. And you should do the same. When you only give and give without getting anything back, it gives you a feeling of emptiness.

Remember, you have to sit down with him and talk to him about the problems. Tell him that you cannot live like this. You deserve better than this. Having your parent’s support will help you to make any decision you want. At the end of the day, it is your life. Always listen to your instincts as they usually tell you the truth.

Remember, you are supposed to feel loved, secure, and valued by your husband. If you do not feel any of the above, then you have all the right to question him. If he blames you for having a negative attitude towards life, he is only trying to cover his own negative sides. Do not let it affect you.

I suggest that you stay at your parents’ place and let him take the step to solve the issues between you two. Wait and see what he does, or is he is even willing to do anything about the problems.

May Allah (swt) make your relationship better with your husband and ease your problem.

Ameen

Source: http://aboutislam.net/counseling/ask-the-counselor/marital-obstacles/my-husband-makes-me-feel-like-an-object/ utm_campaign=advert_fb_promotion&utm_medium=social&utm_source=Facebook&utm_content&utm_term%20