7 Things Your Muslim Husband Won’t Tell You
Ever wish you could read your husband’s mind? Western culture encourages husbands and wives to talk to each other and discuss things.
However, in many Muslim cultures, men are raised to be stoic and tight-lipped. Muslim husbands are very often (not always) reluctant to talk about certain things with their wives.
Part of the problem is also that sometimes it is hard to actually formulate our thoughts into the right words.
The only thing more difficult than translating thoughts to words is translating feelings to words.
So, a lot of Muslim men and women go through their marriages with very little communication and never really knowing what the other person is thinking.
This quick list is for the Muslim sisters in my audience. This list will give you good idea of some of the things your husband thinks about, but just doesn’t know how, or want, to tell you.
1. Above All, He Desires Your Respect
I spoke about this in my article “Love or Respect: Which Do You Prefer?”.
In this article, I explained that women want to know their husbands love them, and men want to know their wives respect them.
It’s important that Muslim women understand the value of respect for men, especially Muslim men. In Islam, men are taught from a young age that they are supposed to be the bread-winners and caretakers of their families.
You can imagine how frustrating it would be for a man, who tries his best to care for his family, to be married to a woman who doesn’t respect him. She may declare that she loves him, but without her respect, he will quickly fall out of love with her.
This idea is put forward in the Quran where Allah says:
Men are in charge of women by what Allah has given one over the other and what they spend from their wealth. So righteous women are devoutly obedient, guarding in [the husband’s] absence what Allah would have them guard.
Chapter 4, Verse 34
2. He Desires Your Loyalty
This goes hand in hand with respect.There’s nothing that will ruin a marriage quicker than the idea that your spouse is not loyal. The idea, that he or she is not going to stick by you.I’m not talking about infidelity. This is what usually comes to mind when people talk about loyalty in a marriage.What I’m talking about is knowing that the person whom you’ve chosen to spend the rest of your life with is going to be there for you when you really need them.
Most men won’t admit it, but we do need women. And we do need your support.And it’s very troubling to be married to a woman who may not be around when the going gets tough.If you are constantly threatening divorce or separation or Khula (Islamic divorce initiated by the wife), you can expect your marriage to fizzle out very quickly.
Your husband needs to know that you’re going to be by his side if:
- He loses his job and the money gets tight.
- He tries to do something (like start a business or go back to school) but fails at it.
- His reputation is tarnished or his honor is attacked.
You should be loyal to your husband before everything else except Allah and His Messenger (pbuh).
If you’re loyal to your husband, than rest assured he’ll be loyal to you.
3. He Wants To Have Sex More Often
Let’s get this right out into the open.Some women might think men are narrow-minded brutes for this, but it’s the truth.Men desire sex. Men really desire sex.
So when you give him the following excuses:
- “I’ve got a headache.”
- “I’m not feeling good.”
- “Can’t it wait till the weekend? I’m really not in the mood.”
Know that your husband is going to go to sleep a little upset with you, even if he doesn’t show it.And do this often enough, he’s going to start resenting you. And that resentment will build up and may lead to him being unnecessarily mean to you or losing some love.
Please keep the following hadith in mind:
When a man calls his wife to his bed, and she does not respond and he (the husband) spends the night angry with her, the angels curse her until morning.
Bukhari and Muslim.
Something to think about.
4. He Thinks About Other Women
Okay, first of all, calm down. Don’t unsubscribe from my mailing list just yet. Let me explain this.
All men think about other women.
- It doesn’t mean he’s going to cheat on you.
- It doesn’t mean he’s thinking about taking a second wife.
- It doesn’t mean he’s fantasizing about another woman.
It just means that all (straight) men do, at some point in their lives, consider having another woman (i.e. wife).
You’re better off coming to terms with this and accepting it than having false, purile notions about men.The best way to combat these thoughts are to apply the advice given in the first three secrets:
- Respect him.
- Be loyal to him.
- Give him physical love when he wants it.
Does this mean he’ll never take a second wife if you do these three things? Of course not.But it will raise your value in his mind relative to other woman and he’ll be all the more reluctant to look for those three things (respect, loyalty, and sex) elsewhere.
5. He Wants To Make You Happy
- Why do you think men work so hard to make money?
- Why do you think men are willing to leave their jobs and risk starting a business?
- Why do you think men like buying women gifts?
Because deep down, we really just want to make you happy.
Sometimes we screw it up and forget our anniversary. But we really would prefer to remember because we know it would make you happy.
So when your husband buys you a gift, accept it, rejoice over it, thank him profusely, and use it as often as possible.
- If he buys you some jewelry, wear it.
- If he buys you a new smartphone, use it.
- If he buys you a car, drive it.
And don’t be so quick to nag him about the things he doesn’t do right. Because then he’ll start feeling that you don’t respect (there’s that word again) the things he does do for you.
6. If You Nudge Him, He Can Be A Better Muslim
Nobody’s perfect.Perhaps your husband isn’t a Muslim scholar. Perhaps he’s not the best Muslim in the world.You can nudge him to make him better. But you can’t force him.
Do little things to get him to improve his Islam.
- Offer to wake him up for Salaatul Fajr.
- Encourage him to make Salaah at the Masjid.
- Tell him how much nicer he’d look if he grew his beard.
This takes deliberate words, a soft touch, and careful action. No one likes to be preached to.But if you do this right, you’ll be getting a double reward:
The reward that comes with living with a righteous husband. And the reward in the next life for encouraging your husband to the truth.
Except for those who have believed and done righteous deeds and advised each other to truth and advised each other to patience.Chapter 103, Verse 3
7. He Loves You, Even If He Doesn’t Always Show It
I know, this one may be kinda hard to swallow. But it’s true (usually).
Men are just not that good at showing emotion (unless we’re talking sports or politics).
We don’t tell our wives “I love you” often enough.
We’re not perfect. And constantly comparing us to Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) ain’t helping.Of course, we are supposed to emulate him (pbuh) as much as we can. And for most of us, we are doing the best we can.
But we just can’t treat you the same way he (pbuh) treated his wives. Similarly, it’s unfair for men to expect their wives to behave like Aisha (RA) and his other wives (RA) did.
Just because your husband doesn’t treat you in the way (you think) the Prophet (pbuh) treated his wives, doesn’t mean your husband doesn’t love you.
It just means he’s human.It is very important that you understand this.
- If he’s doing his best to take care of you.
- If he doesn’t abuse you or sleep around.
- If he sincerely tries to solve your problems and helps you in the best way he can.
- Then chances are he loves you. A lot.
Now move from in front of the television and go make me a sandwich.
JUST KIDDING!
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By Abu Ibrahim Ismail
Source : www.islamiclearningmaterials.com
Most men live for their ego. Drop into a majority of men’s conversations – the main topic of importance is the “self.” When they are young, most of them think that the world revolves around them. When these men get married or have their kids – they perceive them as two primary servants to their kingdom of the “self” to which they have grown accustom.
Real men are people their wife and children can count on. No man has ever risen to the real stature of spiritual manhood until he learns that Allah has given him superiority in physical strength and financial means to serve his family. Consistently showing up home late from work, missing commitments with the family, not speaking with kindness and sympathy and generally just thinking about one’s own pride and comfort are all signs of unmanliness. “I’ll do what I want, when I want” attitude that men mistake for their independence is actually disguise for laziness and selfishness.
If men really want to earn the respect of their family, they must drop the cocky act. Any man who constantly demands compliments and praises for every little thing he does is harbouring deep insecurities with respect to his self esteem. Deep down he is unsure of his worth so he wants his wife and children to big him up. Many women are told when they are newly married to stroke their man’s ego, make him feel a lion or a king of the house. This only amplifies his hunger for power over her. He assumes he is more worthy than his wife. He becomes extremely narcissistic. The result, she must pay homage to the god of his respect everyday or suffer being emotionally bullied or worst slapped around. He tells her she is an incompetent wife and she feels bad about herself.
If there is one thing I have learned is that a trait of a truly respectful man is humility. Humility is difficult for men. I encourage Muslim writers to ask men to fight their battles against groundless arrogance they assume over their wives. Please teach men that humility is knowing their own limitations, the strength of admitting that men are not always right by the virtue of being men. Humility is the knowledge that men are not God and that their wives can have something to teach them out of generosity and not contempt. The wives are not the enemy when they do not listen to their husbands. Wives have feelings and emotions that the husband are not appreciating.
Without humility it is impossible for the husbands to feel and express gratitude, appreciation, hope, or empathy for their wives.
It is very hard to show undying support to a man who has a hard time keeping his gaze down when he constantly polices his wife to put on every piece of clothing available in the house before going outside. Why are men so insecure of having their wives seen in public but won’t hesitate a moment to ogle every women as far as the eyes can see.
It is also very hard to be supportive of a man who cannot provide stability in the marriage – emotionally or financially. Why does our community not reprimand those men who do not make any effort to hold a steady job? Almost every learned person these days is on the pulpit telling boys with ragging hormones to tell their parents that them married. Last time I checked, the Prophet Muhammad (s.a.w) asked a man looking to get married to first secure some material benefit for his wife. Why don’t we tell our men to first discipline themselves? Complete their education. Secure some financial independence. What kind of leaders do we hope these men to become when they can’t even control themselves or take care of themselves.
I am not trying to be bias. I understand that this article is just a nasiha for good wives about their good husbands. But we don’t live in a utopia. We live in a world where are a growing number of men are less than able to be husbands. By only preaching the ideal, we are ignoring a majority to which these advises do not apply. For instance, the cases of domestic violence is more common among men who are seemingly more religious than non-practicing men. The Fiqh-of-this and Fiqh-of-that class assumes that by changing the outer grab of men, they have someone established Islam in the lands of the ‘kuffar’. I hate to say this but such classes are a breeding grounds for hypocrisy. Men attended such classes to feel good about themselves and come home and beat their wives.
i agree with you, in muslim communities only wives and women are told to respect men, like father, brother, husband, and obey them, but i have never seen any one telling men about being respectful towards the women in their lives. this is totally unfair, this respect factor goes for the both equally. i at times feel strongly that muslim communities are highly hypocrite. and male dominating where the females are just a commodity and nothing more!
You are incredibly articulate—and have amazing points with all you’ve stated, masha Allah.
Omg I absolutely utterly agree with your comments. You have done a great job explaining this. Because a lot of the times you can’t apply this to those men that don’t even know how to respect a women, can’t lower their gaze/ get married for sex and treat women like shit That includes fathers too
How are you supposed to apply the things written in this article To narcissistic behaviour which is very common in these corrupted generations
Teaching men even the basics on how to be a Man should be put in place
(Ofcource there are (few) men who don’t need to learn these things and have been raised well by their parents and are such Amazing husbands! Alhamdllh for the good men 🙂
1. if husband dont get respect from his wife, he should ask the question “why dosent she respect me?” from himself, not from his wife. There is no-one respectful person who doest get respect…it comes from yourself, not from people around you.
The first comment excplains everything so good already
2. most of the women are loyal to their husbands if these husbands let them to be…but arab men tend to push their wives away and leave these wives alone without even trying to excplain their problems or issues.
3. the problem is not in women…if man know how to ask sex, woman always give it/want it also. Ofcourse if man dont satisfy woman or all the sex is “down and in and out…finish”…every woman gets head ache right way when her husbands comes again by this talk that he want…problem is in man if woman dont want it!
4. no man can be happy if he dont appreciate this what he have today…being happy with what you have is first step of happiness.
5. most of women dosent want THINGS…give her quality time and she is happy without you ask of her to be happy. Once my husband bought me 3 delicious gifts. One of my son broked one of these gifts. Husband got angry of wasted money…we cleand the mess together and all i told him was: “cleaning this mess together gives me much more than enjoying this gift alone” !
6. it sopposed to work from both sides…man help woman and woman help man. Everyone have sometimes harder periods, thats why we are couples, to help each other back to the road when one of us is falling down.
7. no matter how much you love your wife…if you dont learn to show it to her and tell it to her…you gonna lose her. Women are not mind readers. Women love by ears!
Absolutely spot on sister! Wish more men would actually listen to this advice.. Its the truth and I have tried explaining this is how women work but they are too stuck in their ego and ways to believe you.. May God help all the struggling women.
Very true!
wow… this article is really funny. 🙂 i hope to remember these things when im married. but men should know these things as well. i believe that love, respect, and loyalty in fact all emotions and actions are reciprocated by one another. meaning they follow the mirror effect. anyways i really enjoyed this article. hope to see more in sha allah. 😀
It is kind of hard to respect your Husband when he abuses you physically and mentally.
This is a beautiful article for the perfect couple, but unfortunately not many of us are lucky to be in a blessed marriage. Some of us, like myself, were in marriages from hell.
It be nice if there were more articles for women in difficult marriages, and even articles for divorced sisters, and those seeking divorce. There is not much out there for us. We are left on the shelf and forgotten about. Articles are geared towards the “Virgin” sister/brother. But what about us, the Divorced sisters/Brothers?
I hope to see more articles for divorced Muslims in the Future.
The problem is with men’s self created ego in almost all eastern world. Men are not willing to accept the importance of women’s role in married life. If a man is working 8 hour job then he will comback home as tired lion. He just want to relax and gets himself pampered, thats it. He never realise almost 24 hour job of his wife. Eastern litrature mostly teach woman, how to become good wife. But in real men dont know how to become good husband. I dis agree that women deny sex to their husbands. Husbands wants to rule like tiger, what ever they want they should get. For husband most important thing is his desire, he wants to satisfy but never realise the emotions of woman. Both husband and wife should try to become good life partners.
very true. men never realize the thankless jobs women do – day in and day out
we also need to know that as mothers we need to raise our sons in the same fashion – we want our husbands to he. Most of the men brought up in the sub-continent, are told that they are men and need not do this and its his wife’s. Here itself we being moms discriminate between men and women.
To all the sisters that are getting annoyed at this article, don’t just point the finger at men to make yourself feel better.
What the brother is talking about is quite true. Ok, yeah there are some pretty idiot brothers out there but don’t forget that women as well are just getting worse and worse. Seeing yourself as equal to your husband is NOT going to help things.
More sisters are getting brainwashed by Western Ideologies which is annoying the natural instinct in Men (Allah has wired Men in a certain way. You can’t change it. Tough.)
Both sides have to get things right. So here’s somewhere to start for the sisters. And appreciate it.
Eastern? Western? What about simply treating women like they are human beings. A woman who wants this is NOT brainwashed. What is wrong with non-Western societies failing to admit the misogynistic norms that do exist in their homes, neighborhoods and culture. Yes, societies that do not like or favor women. Men are wired the way they are. Women are also made in a certain manner. Does anyone take into consideration that fact. Most women in the 21st century are educated, intelligent and can function on their own. Do not expect women in the modern world to behave as if they can not function without a man by their side and to accept poor treatment, abuse and indifference from a husband. Most men simply do not value what their wives and women in general provide to their households. And this is arrogance. No women are not “getting worse and worse” in response to being treated badly. in response to poor treatment many women are speaking up, not tolerating it and divorcing unsatisfactory husbands. Please tell me when was the last time there was a report of a woman beating or abusing her husband? Wife abuse is a common occurrence. All over the globe. It has nothing to do with an East/West attitude.
As general points they are well written. InshAllah beneficial for those who need it. I was partially raised in west. Came to aus in early teens. My father was a regular alpha male, who unfortunately bullied my mother and enjoyed being hurtful to his kids. When I turned 17 I was tild no university,19 I was told to get married. They picked a 13 yrs cousin back home for me. Shipped me back home and paid a decent dowry.
when I fell pregnant they brought me to aus again. By this time I had 2 yrs experience of my husbands unemployment and he has no parentsbor support network. So I sponsored him out of birth payment and paid for his tickt, went back home meanwhile. he treated me like a traitor. That year to this day. All in all almost 10 yrs of marriage he had earned maybe for two years an income.We came to aus , lived with my parents for 4 yrs my father constantly told me what a burden we were for him. I am sure irony isnt lost. My doors to education and skills ere closed. Getting out if the house was haram. My husband was forced on me and my dad blame for this all. Datling husband was a beta male. He would work spendid in house chores butwas shrinkibg voilet I outside world.he would do paper’s distribution and odd factory jobs but had hard time holding work. I had 4 kids and moved out on benefits. Moral of the story. Please teach young boys and young girls deen. My husband is a good man, respects me but doesnot understand its his primary job to be the breaf winner. I atruggle qith respecting and supporting him. He does chires around house, does groceries, pays bills, manages accounts, school pick ups and drop offs. He is a kind man who hates being mean. I value him for that, I value he is my kids one and only dad I value that Allah made him a source I leaving a hateful houshousehold. I struggle with resentment over money matters. I am stisyong deen now and intend to finish my uni graduation after this. My husband is in process of getting taxi license. I feel depressed at times but this is life . Not jannah. Value what Allah gives you and its ok to desire more. But my own dad is a constant reminder of how things could be worse. I try to respect my husband . I fail, apologiseand start again. And he is a kind man. He forgives me. And I forgive him. So our home Alhumdolilah has happy kids albeit little money. but I cant let thay shadow my gratefulness to Allah.we all must learn deen. Its a manual to life.
*thirteen yr older cousin. Lol what a typo to make.so he was 32 when we got married.
Ugh, I really don’t like the Muslim approach to sex. It makes me sad for our Muslim sisters. We make sex to sound like a chore. “Give him sex! He needs it and the Angels will curse you if you don’t!”
Christians (and I mean the hard core Christians) are so so so much better at explaining this topic. It really makes you want to jump in bed with you spouse.
Men are not as highly emotional as women, so therefore cannot satisfy each and every feeling that they crave. And I’m sorry but men are also not mind readers and are given the silent treatment or shown a solid face when they genuinely unknowingly miss something out or do something which is out of their control.
It’s quite simple, if men are soft they get treated like they are worthless. If they are too harsh they also get looked down on.
If we point back to the article, which all comments should refer to. The article paints a true picture of a husband in this modern society. I was quite intrigued that it actually explained myself as a husband.
I have been married for 16 years now, never abused my wife, always been a caring husband, always gave her and the children time and have never been with another woman. I don’t drink nor do I take drugs. I have always worked for a living.
My wife is from Pakistan and I am British born. The only problem we have is the culture difference. I am an introvert and not a very emotional person, I don’t backbite and I’ve been brought up to be an honest person. I only talk when necessary and I only make something an issue when it is actually a major issue. My wife is a highly emotional person, lies, backbites and is very much extroverted. She is always complaining that I don’t understand her and do not talk much.
I don’t think that 2 people can be that perfect with each other and I’ve always been happy with our relationship and willing to become more extroverted to suit her needs but it is still not enough. What is enough? I’m not respected enough, get the silent treatment a lot, I’m always trying to be romantic with her but she doesn’t seem to appreciate it and just lives like I’m not even here most of the time.
Well your wife is obviously fearful of something in you, and you need to re assure her that you love her a lot. Because she loves you a lot and doesn’t want her husband to let her down
Because a lot of men are jerks. When you have a daughter you will find it hard to trust any man to marry her. Or maybe even see her be hurt So you as a man know this yourself.
It’s hard to trust people completely because in the end the women has given her life away to a man and her body for his children. It’s very important she must respect the man ofcource in general respect is a important matter than all should have. But that’s a general human fact in itself for both, (you should respect everyone specially your parents) and is not to cover all the other points.
Well said brother, generally all the points that written here are absolutely true. The most important above all is respect. When a man knows he is respected, he feel secured. Whe he feels secure, he could provide the love for his family. My husband is not a perfect person, but he is perfect for me. Some people said woman’s love by ears, but when u giving your life in to his hands, change ur mind girls. We can’t reading his mind, yes absolutely true. But we can read his action and learn to trusting him. One example, One day my husband returned back home from work and giving me a fake smile(yes it’s true lol). “U give me a fake smile my love,is all ok?” I was asked. “Can we not talking about that, I got headache?” He said. “Sure can, u are my big boy, u know what to do. Let’s shower and eat, I’ll give foot massage later” I replied happily and gave him a big hug. Then everything just goes well. 2days later, I receive the invoice letter from the credit card company. I was shocked With the numbers that appears there, somebody spents around $25.000 this month with his credit card. When I check carefully I found two big transactions, hotel A’invoice for $10K, and the remaining is jewellery shops, and it’s debuted at the date where he gave me a fake smile lol. Then I made the payment straightaway without asking to him, what its for. Two days later, my husband figure it out that I paid the bills. “Baby, did u pay the bill? Why U are not mad on me?” his face was like a thief whom get caught Lol. “Nope, maybe u just confuse how to explain to me, but I already know somebody spent $25K this month.” i said that while giggling. “Yeah, actually that, I don’t want to argue with you, but I couldnt find a way how to telling you” he said. “Well we needn’t to argue about this, if u spent $25K so what?? It’s ur money, U are a man. U know what to do, U working so hard for our family, even if u spent $100K also It’s not a big deal, u needn’t to get any permition, because at the end of the day u are the one who gonna pay right?? Ok dear? Case closed” I’m laughing. He hug me “ah why so understanding” he said. Weeks later my sist in law called me. “Habibti, thank you for the beautiful ring and the ballroom. So kind of you” she said, “sure, anything else u need?” I was talked to her happily. So all the spents was for his little sister. Hahahahahaha. After I finished the phone call, I texting him through the what’s app “thank you dear for makes me feel respected and loved by your family because of your generousity, next time please buy more expensive gifts!!! I love you.”. “I love You more” And it’s really2 made my day. i know for a woman it’s feel so weird to hiding things from his wife, but u can’t change the men’s pride. It’s doesn’t mean he lied to you, he just don’t wanna hurting u with unimportant argumentation. Just trust and respect him. Relationship without respect and trust, it won’t work. Keep the positive words and positive attitude, insyaAllah everything will be fine.
Whats annoying is how you relate respect to breadwinner thing. These days women are also earning and providing for their families. So..?r Respect goes both ways. You cant make conclusions from some survey or book. Women want to be respected to. Women want to be loved so we give you back love. Dont be a bossy jerk and expect us go be intimate anytime you want. And above all grow up.